Goodbyes are so hard...

We had to say good-bye 😢

Goodbyes are never easy but today was especially hard. The last few days we have felt so close and bonded to R. That has been great but made today even harder.

This morning we decided to forgo going to the store, we decided to just eat fruit snacks, a cliff bar, etc... for lunch.  Traffic also was not bad so we got to the creche at about 9:30am.  That is amazing since it was our last day, we got to spend as much time with him as possible.

R was very calm this morning (like every morning) and just wanted to go up the balcony to eat his morning snack (which we are quite sure most days is his breakfast). After a short time he wanted to play.  He was in a VERY playful mood all day which made our hearts feel good.   Ethan transitioned with him from snack time to play time by teaching him the art of throwing Cherrios and catching them in his mouth.  His nannies will probably hate us for teaching him bad habits, but oh well! LOL!

After eating a snack it was definitely play time, most of the day.  He giggled and giggled all day.  He also started talking to us a bunch today.  By this I mean repeating what we say.  "I love you", "Mommy where are you?" "Daddy where are you?" etc... He has been trying to repeat us for the last few days but he is always so quiet about it and only one word at a time "train" "Eva" "Adri" "mommy" "daddy" "cow", today he really "got after it" as Ethan would say.

R loves being chased.  When we chase him, he laughs so hard he truly looses all muscle control and falls to the ground laughing.  Often times he would be "getting chased" by one of us and literally collapse into one of our arms when even halfway close.  So funny watching him giggle and be barely able to stand or crawl.  We spent a good amount of the morning outside running around the yard, chasing chickens and goats (probably another bad habit we shouldn't have taught him, but oh well, it was our last day and he loved it).  After running around the yard for awhile we heard the gate open (it needs to be oiled so R hears it from just about anywhere), so of course R had to run and see the "machin". This time it happened to be the car we had been waiting for the past couple days... the car that says "IBESR" on the side. IBESR is basically the Haitian version of DHS.  Other than bonding with R this trip we had 2 other "tasks", our embassy appointment that we had on the 21st and an interview with an IBESR social worker.  We have been prepared for this interview and weren't nervous but when the car pulls in, you do get a little knot in your stomach... after all, these people, more or less, decide if when and how your case goes through the final stages of the adoption process. Although we were not nervous about the questions they will ask, we did still want to make a good impression. The social worker was very professional but also laid back at the same time.  He asked questions we had expected (about the first time we met R, how has he changed over the trip, about each other and our marriage, about how our bio children feel about the adoption, etc...).  Our translator was in there too obviously to help translate.  Our translator added in Creole, as well as English to us, that he had never seen R smile before (our translator is at the creche a lot) and that the last week he has seen R smile so much and it is very obvious he likes us.  This started a whole conversation about how many of the children (orphans) just need affection.  If you remember a couple posts ago I mentioned how we have been trying to show R as much affection as possible because we know he has never had that before.  It was a reminder today that all children need is love, affection, and direction to truly change their life.

After the interview we went back up to the balcony for some water and another snack (aka "lunch"). Then we pulled out the bouncy ball... we should have pulled this thing out DAYS ago... he had so much fun chasing the bouncy ball.  His motor skills aren't quite strong enough to really catch the ball so he literally was chasing it. The inside of the building is pretty bare and it is tile flooring, when you get the ball bouncing and rolling, it can go forever.  Next time you see one of us in person you might stumble across one of the cutest videos ever of him chasing the bouncy ball around!

We asked our translator to help us keep the other kids off the balcony about 1:15pm when the older children started to walk back from school. We never like doing that but today was different, at that point we knew we only had 2 more hours before we had to say "goodbye" to R. We have been dreading this day since we started to adoption process. Dreading falling in love with this little boy who is now our son, who we have to leave behind for an unknown about of time. I feel as though it would be easier if I knew how long until we can bring him home.  If I had a definite timeline to look at but unfortunately with Haitian adoptions this is not the case.  Anybody who knows anything about Haitian adoptions knows... it is all over the board.  Timelines can depend on whether your child is an orphan by death, total abandonment (unknown birth parents)  or orphaned due to poverty (IBESR knows who the birth parents are) but even this doesn't always fall into a specific pattern.  Many times the timeline for the remainder of the process depends greatly on where your file falls in a stock of cases being processed.  We just need to pray and trust God keeps R safe until we can come back for him to bring him home and that God has control of the remainder of our process to make it as quick as possible, but in His timing.

When the time came to walk R back downstairs to his nanny, I started to cry the second we started the walk (I don't admit to crying often so you are welcome 😉).  I kept telling myself I was going to be strong and not cry till we got in the car, so R didn't see me cry... but oh well!  Another thing Ethan pointed out was the last 3 or 4 days when we say "can you give me a kiss" he will kiss us on the cheek, every time.  The last 3 days though (today included) he would not when we were leaving for the day.  He wouldn't even look at Ethan when we saying good-bye today.  He gave us hugs, looked really sad (yesterday and today he was crying when we left), but wouldn't give us kisses.  Earlier today our translator tried to explain to R that today was our last day and that we would have to say good-bye for awhile but we would be back someday to visit and/or get him. Earlier today we weren't sure if he understood anything Luwis was telling him (he is only 2.5 years old) but this afternoon, when we saw the look in his face, we knew he at least understood the part that we weren't coming back tomorrow, and it broke our hearts.  I cannot put into words how sad he looked. Even Luwis said "well he understands you aren't coming back".  We just need to pray he knows we WILL AS SOON AS WE CAN!   Today during our interview with the social worker he asked what we thought about the bonding trip.  After explaining our personal experience with it and how much of a change we saw in R over the last couple weeks, we also mentioned that we do think this trip is a great idea but would be better at the end of the process.  We are forced to get to know him in his own environment which is healthy for him and we understand why Haiti wants us to make this trip.  We really do think its a great idea.  We are just really struggling with the idea that children who have already been orphaned and abandoned by their birth parents, bond with their adoptive parents, and then risk that sense of loss and being abandoned again.   Please pray for and keep R in your hearts that he can know and understand that we aren't leaving him for good, that we will be back as soon as we possibly can be for him! With older children this might not be as strong of a concern but at 2.5 years old we just don't think he can understand.

This will be my last blog post for awhile.  As soon as we get our exit letter from IBESR we will update our blog again. You can see the timeline for our adoption under the Timeline tab of our blog if you are interested.   Thank you for all the messages, support, prayers and encouragement you have sent our way during this trip, and our adoption process thus far!