Adoption Thoughts During Our Wait

I stopped posting on this blog for a variety of reasons... I actually have been writing posts, just not posting them.  I have essentially been writing journal entries for Axel to read some day... his story for him to know.

I originally started this blog so people could get updates on our adoption.  Truthfully many times there isn't anything to write about and when there is its usually so confusing to anybody outside of the Haitian adoption world, I don't have the energy to explain it all.

The update I have on our adoption is this...we received Axel's passport and we are just waiting for his visa approval, medical exam, and our exit letter to leave Haiti with him... basically we are VERY CLOSE to the end of this 5 year journey and couldn't be more excited about that.

Over the last 5 years we have learned a lot and we have encountered people asking us lots of questions and we have also experienced some judgement. I want to write about a couple of those topics before we bring Axel home because many people have asked us about them, so there are probably even more people curious.  There are also questions and comments people have made, that unknowing to them, can be offensive to adoptive families and adoptees. I also want to address those now before these comments and conversations have to happen in front of our son.  We know that we will have to confront some inappropriate and insensitive comments along the way and throughout life but we hope to minimize some of these questions now.


1. "Why did you choose to adopt internationally vs domestically?" and "isn't there many kids already here in the USA who need families?" 
     Yes, there absolutely is many many children here in the USA that need families.  Our simple answer for this is, we were not called to adopt domestically, pretty plan and simple.  An international adoption takes one type of person, domestic adoption take another type of person.  We (Ethan and I) both feel like we are both more prepared and suited to parent an internationally adopted child.  This is very hard to explain to people outside of the adoption world... and even inside the adoption world if you are not educated and familiar with the differences it is hard to explain.  We have been attacked by people both to our face and behind our backs about adopting internationally.  If you have a difference of opinion that is fine to have but just know that our hearts feel like this... even though foster care is not ideal for children, it is 150% better than life in an institution in many developing countries.   Children in foster care have the chance at an education, healthcare and three meals a day, this is not usually the case in other countries.  Children in foster care need the love of a parent and the support system of a family but so do children in orphanages in other countries. 

2.  "It is such a great thing you guys are doing" or even worse "he is so blessed to have you guys as a family."  
      No, he is not blessed to be without his birth parents and growing up having questions his whole life about his family history, medical history, etc...  he is not blessed to be going his entire life without hearing the story of the day he was born like so many of us like to hear, without knowing what his first word was, how old he was when he took his first steps, baby pictures galore (lets face it, in 2014 when everybody already had smartphones...we all became picture-aholics and "professional" photographers and our children will have more baby pictures than they know what to do with).  We have ONE picture of him before we met him and he was 15 months old already in it.  NO... he is not blessed... WE are blessed.  Our family has changed a lot during this adoption and since meeting Axel in ways I never thought possible.  We are blessed to be able to raise one of God's children and love him in addition to the love his birth family has for him.  During this adoption process it has been amazing to see the entire family grow and become stronger through the process.  Without expounding too much on this we can say it really truly is us that is blessed to have him as part of our family.  We are blessed in ways I still don't know.  We will continue to grow as parents and siblings to him and we are honored to have the opportunity to grow in these ways, to become better people!  

3. "Is he a true orphan?"  - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, never ask us this question! 😀
     Axel's story is his story.  An even though we have shared his story with our closest family and friends, it is his story to tell and he will share his story with the people he chooses as he gets older.  It does not matter if he is a true orphan or not, he still deserves to have a forever family. He would not have that opportunity without international adoption.
    This whole topic of true orphans and poverty orphans is a hard topic and many people have formed an opinion, even when they are not familiar enough to have an opinion.  I am sorry but reading the awful stories that are told via social media or through news outlets are not accurate pictures of the whole story and do not give enough information to be able to form an opinion.  If you don't know what I am referring to... great... but let me just say this.... Yes, 80% of orphans worldwide (including Haiti) are called poverty orphans, meaning they have at least one living birth parent.  Just remember that life especially infant lives in developing countries is much different that in America.  Haiti has the highest infant mortality rate in the western hemisphere.  Yes, family reunification is important and should be encouraged and worked towards.  However the reality is... it is just not always possible.   It is not always possible here in the USA so why and how do we expect to have it be a 100% reality in a country that has a unemployment rate of 70%.   Hard truth of the situation is that if these kids are not giving an opportunity in an orphanage then they would most likely die.
 
  It does not matter to you, it only matters to him.  I do not ask you questions about your past.  I do not ask if your parents are alive or deceased.  I do not ask if your father was an alcoholic, or what your relationship with your parents is.  I do not ask if your parents are married or divorced, or whether you are adopted, etc...  I actually recently found out that our daughter's friend is a foster child, and you know what I had NO IDEA!  And that is the way it should be, we should not be putting opinions and ideas in our minds about people based on their past.  These parents do what they can to have this little girl live in their family as part of their family and nothing less!  Now yes, people know our son is adopted (its a little obvious) but the reason that he was given up or orphaned frankly is not your concern unless he chooses it to me someday.  This may come across as harsh but its easier to say something now than to have more in depth conversations in front of him.  Really the most important thing is that he has a chance to bond with us and not feel attacked or out of place.  As odd as it is we have had many many uncouth things said to us and hopefully this blog post puts some of these complex topics into a slightly more clear light if we are not into talking about some subjects, especially in front of him. 

4.  "Isn't international adoption expensive?" 
    Yes, international adoption does have a large financial cost that comes with it.   There are home studies, background checks, fingerprints, medical exams for our family here and our son in Haiti, there are translation fees, immigration fees, passport fees, orphan care fees, we are paying not one but two governments to qualify us for adoption, court fees, lawyer fees, plane tickets and other travel expenses, I could go on and on... but the truth is many domestic adoptions have high costs as well.  The money is not what many families come upon as the main barrier.  The true burden and cost lies in the emotional roller coster and how hard it is to not quit when the adversity presents itself as it most definitely will.  Drawing upon the strength and love of family, friends and other adoptive parents has been a huge blessing for us.  We have also been blessed with support from family, friends and adoption grants as well as unexpected ways to earn extra money.   A friend (although she doesn't remember ever saying this) once said to me... "if God called you to adopt, He will provide" and He has.  The cost is minimal in the grand scheme of life and circumstances... the money isn't important.

5.  "Why did you change is name?"
     This is a very valid question.  It is not consistent in the adoption world, about 50% of parents change their children's name and 50% don't.
    The ones that do not change their child's name have mentioned reasons like, "it was given to them by their birth mom and we want to honor that", "once we met them, they just looked like a xxx and the name fit them well".
   The ones that do change their children's names also have a variety of reasons, "They weren't even called that name in Haiti, and they don't even know that is their name" (for example his name is pronounced Rejeenal in Haiti and even if we called him Reginald it wouldn't be pronounced the same so therefore not really his birth name anyway), "they wanted an 'American' name", "the name was hard to pronounce in English and I didn't want them to have to battle that their whole life" and then our reason... we gave names to our daughters and we wanted to give him a name as well.  He does have a name given to him by his birth parents, Reginald, and that will always be his middle name.  If he chooses to go by Reginald we will 100% support that.   We will call him Axel for now but if and when he chooses to have people call him Reginald we will call him by that name.  We feel we are giving him a name, as we did our other children, but also honoring his birth given name by keeping it apart of his name.


To sum things up we are super super excited to bring him home and welcome him into our family.  As you can imagine the transition for him is going to be fairly stressful.  When we come home we will not be having any visitors for a while so that we can focus on teaching him what life looks like in our family.  Oddly enough we will also need to teach him what having a Daddy, Mommy and sisters looks like.  All the little things we all take for granted is stuff that he will have to learn at the same time as learning a new language.  We are very excited to have company and introduce you to our new little man and your patience is appreciated while we don't have visitors until he is ready.  Your prayers and excitement for us is very much appreciated!



    

Axel Reginald Carey! Officially our son!

Today is Friday... It always seems (not just to me but to a lot of Haiti adoption families)... things seem to happen on Fridays but things also seem to happen when you least expect it, when you aren't even thinking about it!

Today after I dropped the girls off at school, I decided to take on some work.  With both the girls in school 3 days a week I try and take on some work when I can.  I dropped them off and went to do some work and wasn't even thinking about the adoption.  Yes, the adoption is always on my mind to some degree... I mean my third child lives in another country, its hurricane season and a bad hurricane season and yes, I am always hoping for a phone call from our agency because I am always praying we move on to the next step. 

Today the phone rang and I didn't even look who it was (I actually thought it was Ethan calling me).  A fellow adoptive mama I have become close with had sent me a message saying there was still time in the day and we could receive our decrees still today.  That thought didn't even cross my mind when the phone rang and I was actually in complete shocked when I heard our agency rep's voice on the other side of the line (I had to double take at my phone to see it was indeed her number).  She told me that yes, she had our decree!!!!    Our son was officially OUR SON!!  He has been our son in our hearts for 10 months but now he was our son officially on paper too!


Welcome to the family officially and let me introduce to all of you.....

Axel Reginald Carey - 3 years old

First time in mommy's arms

First time in daddy's arms

First smile with us after 6 days!

Lots of running, playing, giggles and smiles!

 

HAPPY 3rd BIRTHDAY! Even though he doesn't know about birthdays, I am glad we got to celebrate his with him!

 

 

 

 

 

Some people have asked if this means we get to go pick him up!  Unfortunately the quick answer is no, not yet.  We still have 4-6 months before we can bring him home.  Take a look at the tab the says "Our Timeline" for more details on when we can go get him and bring him home forever!

Now you see it... now you don't... now you see it... the light at the end that is.

i wrote this post in August and never posted it!

I have sat down a number of times to write this post.  Every time I do, I think... I'll wait because we are about to move to the next step I'll wait till then, or I am so negative about our process that I don't want to come write a negative post.

I sat down and started this post last Thursday but didn't finish it.  Today... I am happy to report I was able to delete half of what I had written.  Because we did FINALLY move to that next step!

In May we had received our exit letter (authorization to adopt letter).  This letter allowed us to move forward and into the final courts process of our adoption.  We were told this part of our process would take 2-4 months.  We really prayed we would be close to the 2 months and hopefully, for once, we could be on the short end of an estimated timeline.  It would really be nice to say "wow, that was quick" for once, even if it were just for one step in this process.

In July we began hoping and praying our judgement would come any day!  I jumped every time the phone rang just praying it would be our agency but it never was.   We had been telling ourselves all year that we needed our judgement and adoption decree before Aug 1st if we had any hope of bringing him home by the end of the year.  August 1st came... and it went...

Just before that (end of July sometime) I had started hearing rumors from a few people that the Haitian courts were on strike. This was a little concerning but our hearts sank when we received an email from our agency that indeed the courts were on strike.  However, there was a 2 week stay to the strike Aug 4-18. This basically meant we had a chance of getting our judgement during those 2 weeks.  I of course jumped on the phone and BEGGED our agency rep for an update, I just needed to know if there was any chance, any chance AT ALL of us getting the judgement and decree.   She couldn't tell me much except our orphanage director told her we were in our 30 day wait period so there was a chance.  The 30 day wait period is a mandatory wait period after the birth parents appear before a judge and sign their rights away (for what seems to be the 1 millionth time). We didn't know when our 30 days started but we knew we were in it somewhere.

Aug 18th came... and went... no judgement.  Once again our hearts sank and we became discouraged once again, we were now into our 3rd month of our 2-4 months, a quick part of our process was not going to be happening.  I started telling Ethan we would not be bringing him home till he was 6 (he is 3).  I became sad, angry and frustrated! We confirmed that the court clerks went back on strike and with no end in sight that we knew of.  I pretty much demanded an update from our agency every day but the truth is, there is little information our agency can get.  I am thankful in many ways for our agency rep putting up with me and my phone calls, when she answers the phone "Hi Stacie" and you know she has caller ID and recognizes your phone number...

Aug 25th-  Ethan went to work as usual and the girls and I were having a lazy day at home.  It was about 10a, and the phone rang... much to my surprise it was from Virginia, there is only one person I know who would be calling from there...  our agency!!  I answered timidly just hoping it would be good news!   She said she had good news and bad news.  I'm the kind of person who always takes the good news first.   She told me she had our judgement!  YAY... but before getting too excited I asked her for the bad news.  She told me my name was spelled incorrectly.  Of course I ask "what does that mean".  Basically to move our file along the name needed to be corrected and the person who needed to correct it was the court clerk, the court clerks is who is on strike. So basically she told me we had no hope of getting the correction until the strike ends, which nobody knows when that is.

Our agency rep also told me that this strike 100% affected our timeline, maybe more than other families.  She told me our son's birth father went before the judge June 1st, which meant our 30 day waiting period was up July 1st (which was a weekend) so July 3rd.  July 3rd is when the courts went on strike... ARG!!!   SERIOUSLY!!   The day we could have gotten our judgement the courts went on strike... how can this be possible.

After getting off the phone with our agency rep, I immediately reached out to all our biggest prayer warriors.  I knew it was going to take a miracle to get this error fixed quickly.   I cried, I prayed (and possibly screamed)! I had a good fellow adoptive mama call me and pray with me.  Between the strike and the error, this means 1.5 to who knows how many extra months added to our adoption process.     A couple hours went by and I was looking at our incorrect judgement, which I noticed may have another potential error so I called our agency rep.  I thought it strange when she answered the phone "Hey Stacie, I was just about to call you".  How could she have so much excitement in her voice when she had just given me such bad news... when I asked her why she told me... "I don't know how, and you must have great prayer warriors, because your error got fixed!".  SERIOUSLY, OKAY, WOW... I am pretty sure was my response.   Yes, yes we do have our final judgement!!   This is the court document and the first judge signature to make our adoption official!

What happens now... we wait (again).  We wait for our adoption decree.  The adoption decree is what makes our adoption official and final in Haiti.  We are told this typically takes 1-3 weeks from the date of our judgement.

A crazy last couple days in Haiti.... and an stressful yet amazing return home!

I know many of you enjoy reading the blog and getting updates on our journey...  Sorry to be MIA but after reading this post you will understand why!! Be prepared, this is going to be a long post but the end might be the best part!

First of all, we had no internet access Sunday through Tuesday morning so writing posts about Sunday and Monday was impossible, lets start there.

Sunday was Mother's Day in the USA!  I have enjoyed every Mother's Day since becoming a mom.  We usually enjoy a hike, a BBQ with family or something like that.  I enjoy never cooking or cleaning on Mother's Day.  Today (I'm pretending its still Sunday!) was no different in the sense that it was one of the best Mother's Days I've ever had... I had all 3 of my kids together!!!  I have prayed the last 4 Mother's Days that I would be able to meet our son and now that I have I prayed this Mother's Day that this will be last Mother's Day with my son in Haiti! Mother's Day in Haiti is May 30th... does that mean I get 2 days to celebrate this year since I have a child(ren) in each country! LOL!


Sunday ("today" still pretending its Sunday)
R talked so much!  The last few days of our last trip in November we got him to repeat some words in English ("i love you", "where are you", "mama", "daddy', etc...).  We weren't sure we would get back to that point since our trip was so much shorter this time.  It was amazing and warmed my heart that he was talking so much today! He know calls Ethan "Papa Daddy"  and it is SO CUTE! He was also waving today for the first time.  The girls and I were on the third floor and Ethan was down in the yard and he started yelling "Papa Daddy" and waving unprompted!  Brought tears to my eyes!

Today the girls started getting a little overwhelmed by all the kids at the creche.  I am going to admit it is even a little overwhelming for me, especially on Saturday and Sunday.  For those of you who haven't been to a creche or orphanage, and more specifically those who haven't been to ours directly,  image 130 kids (approximately) who have a lot of freedom, very little adult interaction, rarely get to play with toys, and all with different personalities running around, pulling on you, wanting to sit on your lap and hold your hand, etc... The girls kinda had enough and were tired about half way through the day. We "kicked off" the majority of the kids from the balcony.  There are a few we have become close with and who are not quite as overwhelming that we let stay.  There also is another family visiting their children (who are older 11 and 13), we didn't want to kick their friends off for obviously reasons but the older kids are not as overwhelming and not as high energy.  It once again has been so nice getting to meet in person another family going through the process along side of us!  We have "met" through an online group many of the families adopting through our creche and these families seem like family to us... it feels so good to connect in person and meet them face to face!  Nobody knows exactly what this process feels like other than people who have lived it as well.  We have discovered that even people who have adopted from other countries and the US just don't understand the Haiti specific adoption challenges, just like we don't understand their process completely either.
We do not discount and we are thankful for all the support back home, but this is a different kind of support that we need!

One last thing for today... we have always said we will try and visit again when we get our adoption decree.  Once we have our adoption decree, if we visit, we can take R away from the creche.  We can take him to our guesthouse or hotel, wherever we plan to stay and take him back to the creche before we return home.  We have always looked forward to that visit.  Today we decided that if we visit after our decree we will not take him away from the creche, we will not take him away until we don't have to return. Why did we decide this? We made this decision today based on his age and his reaction to when we leave each day.  If he were older and we could explain the process to him better we would.  If we could explain to him "we have to take you back to the creche but next time we don't have to, next time we get to take you home" we would bring him to wherever we stay.  But, since he is so young and already struggles with abandonment concerns, we have decided this wouldn't be in his best interest.  When we go to pick him up for the last time and bring him home, we don't ever want him to wonder when we have to take him back to the creche like we did the last time. This decision makes me sad but also makes me feel better to think, its the best decision for him.

                                                     

Monday-
Today was very calm and quiet.  Most the kids were at school (we asked them not to take R to school Monday or Tuesday so we can maximize our time with him) and we only had a couple kids on the balcony with us.

Today we brought a hot wheels track with us... he LOVED it!!  We didn't take it over the weekend because when all the kids are around things mysteriously disappear. We didn't want the hot wheels to disappear because somehow we only brought one car.  Also we planned on bringing the track home with us.  Most (actaully all to this point) the toys we leave at the creche the last day but we want him to enjoy the hot wheels track at home, and it wasn't cheap. This little guy is all boy when it comes to cars, bulldozers and trucks!



Today we spent time talking to talking to R's nanny with the help of our translator (side note: our translator this time has been amazing! His English as been outstanding and he has been so good with the girls, and helping the girls talk to their brother.  He gets down on his knees to be at their level and is so caring!). After talking to his nanny, we feel like we know him better.  We asked a lot of questions regarding his schedule and personality when we are not around.  She said he is much shyer with us than the other kids. Some of the other things she said (which I am choosing not to share right now because they are his story and some of his story is just that, his story) makes a lot of sense!  Some of the traits and characteristics we have observed make a lot sense and are inline with what she shared with us about it him.


Today goodbyes for the day were a little easier... only because he was fast asleep.  This little guy gets so tired by the afternoon.  Today about 10 minutes before we were going to leave Ethan was holding him and cuddling a little... all of a sudden I looked down and he was asleep... we didn't even realize he had fallen asleep! lol!!!  The first and only day Evaleena hasn't cried leaving for the afternoon.

Upon returning to the hotel, the girls wanted to swim just like they have ever other day.  I told Ethan we need a pool (lol!)... it is amazing how much the girls improved on their swimming skills being able to swim everyday.   Adrianna went from not wanting to take off her life jacket on day one (she could touch in the majority of the pool) to completely swimming.

Right after this video she started diving down, touching daddy's foot and then swimming back to the edge. 

Tuesday-
Our last day with R at the creche. Last days are never easy, even the drive out there is hard because (at least for me) I have a little anxiety to make sure the day is perfect! I can honestly say our day at the creche was close to perfect.  Today is much cooler and the wind was strong which felt so good.  The cooler day gave us a lot more energy to run around and play.   We spent the majority of the morning running around the yard.  There is a play structure at the creche but it is always too hot, usually you cannot even touch the slide without burning yourself. Today we were able to fully enjoy the slide, one of R's favorite activities.

Another fun activity for the kids was cockroach hunting... you read that correct, yes! LOL!!  On the side of the building is a large empty plastic barrel.  Just like the ones they use for water, I think its just an extra.  Anyway Ethan moved it a little because the kids wanted to find spiders... instead of spiders we have dozen of cockroaches. The kids thought is was hilarious it move the barrel and watch the roachs scurry around and go back under it... then they decided trying to step on them was even more fun.  I have a great video of them playing this "game" for a long time!  It brought a lot of fun and giggles into our day.

Today we wanted R to take a little nap before it got to close to the end of the day.  We didn't want to leave today with him asleep again since it was our last day.  I went up on the balcony while Ethan and the girls explored the property a little.  They walked down to check out the chicken coup, walked to explored the beautiful mango trees, chased a few turkeys, etc... while R napped in my arms.

Leaving today was hard, we knew it would be. Our translator said A LOT of rain was suppose to be arriving about the time we normally leave and he strongly suggested we leave early today.  With a lot of rain comes flooding in the streets and stopped traffic.  He wanted to get us back to where we were staying (about 30-45 minute drive normally) before the rain came otherwise we would be stuck in traffic for hours potentially. As we started packing up our stuff and backpacks and taking all our extra food and all the toys to the nannies, both girls started bawling. Even Adrianna who isn't quite as emotional as Evaleena was in complete tears leaving brother behind. Of course, this mommy started crying as soon as I saw both my girls crying.  R always knows when we are leaving... as soon as we start packing up our stuff he is instantly mute with no facial expressions, this doesn't make leaving on the last day any easier!

So, so much for leaving early to avoid traffic due to rain... So yesterday the Haitian government increase the price of gas by what is equivalent to almost $1. This is a significant amount for Haitians.  From what our translator explained, the government has been subsidizing fuel costs for the people and just decided not to do it anymore.  This apparently is very unpopular amongst the people.  When Haitians (and specifically one political group) are unhappy to government decisions they take to the streets in protest.  Well today we encountered one of those protests.   The protest blocked our usual route back "home".  These protests can last hours and we encountered to at the beginning so our driver and translator were trying to find a way "out", a different way to go.   Only problem was, everybody was trying to go this route.  We need to go over a river everyday and there was only one way to go. The road we had to take was very narrow, really only wide enough for 1 vehicle, but cars were trying to go both directions.  People who have been to Haiti before know exactly where this is leading... to sum it up... complete chaos.  We were at a complete stop for almost 30 minutes so our translator hoped out to see how far the traffic jam went.  He came back about 15 minutes later and we had moved about 5 car lengths.  He then proceeded to try and find a taptap (if you don't know what a taptap is, do a google search taptap and click on images!) on the other side of the chaos that would drive us directly to where we needed to go.  With not much luck, he decided to help direct traffic to get it moving so we can get out of the mess.  Our 30 minute drive was almost 3 hours!  Only positive about this experience was... it was so stressful that it took our minds off of leaving R behind.

By the time we had made it back, the rain had started... no swimming for the girls today.

                

Wednesday
Today hopefully will go down in the Carey Family record books as the worst day of travel ever!!!
At 3am I got woken up by Evaleena running to the bathroom and vomiting.  She started vomiting every 10-15 minutes and all I could do was pray to God that this was an episode of her Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome, which usually last about 4 hours, we boarded a plane and had 20 hours of travel to get home in 4 hours.  This time, my prayers weren't answered, God had something else in store for us.  Long story short... Evaleena vomited every 10-15 minutes for the next 8 hours and then every 20-45 minutes for the next 14 hours.  She vomited for 22 hours straight.  This poor girl literally crawled and rolled herself through the line in customs because she was too weak and sick to stand or even sit up. We contemplated having her and I stay in Ft Lauderdale while Adrianna and Ethan continued on home.  My concern was if she gave me whatever she had (not knowing what she was sick from or with), then I would be traveling sick and we would be stuck multiple days. Also, we just wanted to get home. On the plane from Ft Lauderdale to Phoenix she started to get very dehydrated, she started crying but had no tears... at this point I was envisioning her and I in an ER in Phoenix getting IV fluids.  I kept telling Ethan, if we can just get home!!  When we were almost to Phoenix, I finally got her to drink about 5 oz of water.  I said if she holds this down we will get home to Portland.  Thats when Adrianna vomited all over herself during our layover in Phoenix.  I felt so hopeless!  THANKFULLY that was the only time Adrianna vomited! But I did not sleep at all... I had really hoped to sleep that plane ride, at that point I had been awake for 20 hours straight but no such luck... every time I started to fall asleep I envisioned Adrianna getting sick all over both of us and the plane so I stayed awake ready with a bag, that thankfully wasn't needed! We made it home and got in bed about 1:30am.

THURSDAY-

Today our spirits were lifted!!!  As we woke up and the girls were recovering from being sick, we got an amazing phone call from our Haiti Program Director with our agency.
While we were in Haiti, we received our Authorization to Adopt Letter (aka Exit Letter).  This means that IBESR, the Haitian "social service agency", has officially said they approve us to adopt this child and we can move to the final stages of this adoption on the Haiti side.
We could not get the phone call while we were in Haiti but she called first thing this morning! This was a huge step in our adoption!!  We truly can say now we are on the uphill side and nearing the end of this adoption!!!  In 2-4 months we should have our adoption decree and per Haitian law he will be our child and have our last name!!  We can confidently say now, he should be home in 6-9 months so long as we have no major hiccups (which we do not see happening!).  Praying like crazy that he is home by Christmas or by the end of the year at least!!  Praying that 2017 is the last year he will call the creche home.  Praying ALL of 2018 is when he can say was the first full year he was in his forever home with his family!!!

Happy Birthday Brother- Sisters bonding day #2

Last night there was some flooding in Port-au-Prince. Made for a little bit of a slow start for our journey to the creche but overall today was a great day!

Today is R's 3rd birthday.  Many of you know this but this is the reason we took this trip now.  We had planned on making the trip so the girls could meet him, bond with him and see Haiti and the creche before we bring him home... but it just seemed fitting and made sense to come and not miss another birthday.  Praying, and God willing, he will be home before his next birthday!

Our original plan was to get a birthday cake.  But last night Ethan and I reevaluated that plan. It is so hot here and yesterday's drive was not the shortest so we were afraid a cake would melt and be nothing but a sticky mess.  That, in addition, it didn't seem fair to bring a cake for just a few kids and we didn't have the energy to get cake for all the kiddos.  Yesterday we saw Twinkies in the grocery store, we opted for those.  The kids, except R, loved them.  R broke his in half, took one bite, licked the filling once and then was done.  It was kinda funny actually... he has liked every food we have put in front of him (except a lemon bar) since we met this kid... and of course his birthday dessert he wanted nothing to do with.  Oh well, it was really more for our girls.  They loved wrapping him a present, we brought birthday hats and blowers and sang happy birthday. The girls really enjoyed having a mini party/celebration for him.

The rest of the day was pretty much more of the same.  However, Ethan and I really stepped back and let the girls take the reins today.  It is really important to us that the girls have good quality time with him and leave feeling bonded and connected to him.  Times they can cherish in their minds and memory tank of him until we can finally bring him home!  The girls truly love their brother and are having a great time.  It is not an easy trip and we have warned them for months about how hard this trip was going to be.  Exhausting, emotional, etc... they have really been amazing.  They have had a couple meltdowns from being hot and tired but never during our time at the creche, I think they realize just how little time we have with brother while we are here (approximately 22-23 hours total) and they seem to cherish that time.  They have a couple fights over who gets to play with him, hold him, feed him, etc... They both just want to be there doing everything! It melts my heart really just how sweet and loving they are! Evaleena has cried both days we have been leaving him at the creche because she just doesn't want to say "goodbye".  I am a little nervous for how she is going to handle leaving him on our last day.

We still cannot post photos of his face but here are some photos we can share.

Main question people have:

Many people who are not fully aware of our process in this adoption have been asking if we get to bring R home this trip.  The short and simple answer is no.  You can look at our timeline page but basically we still have a MINIMUM of 6 months probably more like 9 months and that is ONLY IF we got our exit letter (authorization to adopt letter) in the next few days which I don't feel in my gut will happen.  The true and honest answer is that until we have our Authorization to Adopt letter and our Adoption Decree we really cannot say when we will be able to bring him home. 

Many people have asked why we got to bring the girls to visit because we had said before that we cannot visit again until we get our exit letter.  This was the case... however, this was an agency policy and not a Haitian policy.  We have pretty much been begging since December to come visit for his birthday and we have always been told "no".  On April 25th we received an email stating our agency had reviewed the policy and lifted that "travel ban". Within 2 hours of the email being sent we had submitted our travel dates to be approved to come visit for his birthday.  At this point we can visit as often as we want.  However, reality is, due to costs we will probably only be able to come once more as a family (when we come to pick him up) and MAYBE I will travel one other time by myself to visit if the process continues to be slow as it has been for us to this point.  Right now we can only pray that we get our exit letter and adoption decree ASAP!!!  Once we have those 2 parts of the process completed, we really will free like homecoming is on the horizon.

Oh my word!! What a day!! Sister Bonding Day #1

WOW!!  What a day....   there were so many highs and lows today! I wont get into all the lows because they were not adoption related and don't need to be put out there publicly for all to see.   I will share that our day started very interesting!  The sites, sounds and smells were just as we remembered (well it was only 5.5 months ago.  I say only lightly... only 5.5 months ago we were in Haiti last but that is 5.5 months without our baby (ok toddler) son in our arms!)
Anyway, we decided to start the day visiting Apparent Project since R would be at school in the morning anyway. The Apparent Project is a great organization here in Haiti that provides work, training and childcare, mostly to women making handmade goods, so that families can stay together.   Their mission is "Prevent Child Relinquishment in Haitian Families". Anyway, our driver and translator decide to navigate through major traffic... this caused some interesting times to say the least.  It was a chance to see Port-au-Prince away from main streets.  It also included an attempt to go up a large hill that Ethan's 4WD truck at home would struggle on... we were in a very old 2WD minivan that had well below standard clearance level!  Once half way up we got stuck and had to reverse down a very dicey bumping road filled with people.  Then right around the corner from Apparent Project we got stuck in a ditch.  The girls and I got out and walked the rest of the way with our translator while Ethan pushed the minivan out of the ditch with the driver.  BUT... we made it. And... after an almost as interesting trip back we FINALLY made it to the creche.

R was already home, in fact we aren't 100% the preschool aged kiddos even went to school today.  We first went into the room where he "lived" last time we were here but they told us he had been moved to the 2nd floor.   We raced up there quickly since we were all so excited to see him!!!  I am not sure the nannies knew we were coming today, they seemed a little confused.  They let us take him upstairs (the 3rd floor balcony where we spent most of our time the last trip) but it wasn't long before they came back to get him to change him.  Before we met R, I had a mom tell me how crazy it is the nannies remember in their large bags of clothes exactly what clothes you brought for your child and they will dress them in those when you come visit.  Sure enough... out of the large duffle bag of shared clothes came a shirt, a pair of shorts and a pair of shoes we brought down on our last trip. After they changed his clothes the rest of the day (although only 2.5 hours) was ours to enjoy and bond! It was so nice to have him back in our arms but even better to get to introduce him to his sisters! What a beautiful site, all 3 of our kids in the same place for the first time!! The girls did really well.  R is very shy and we have spent the last 5.5 months talking to them about that and how to give him space when they first meet him.  They did a great job! I could tell they both wanted to just run up and hug him but they stayed a little back and let me and Ethan hold him and talk to him for a few minutes but then eagerly came right up and gave him giant lovable hugs when we told them it was ok! He was shy, we knew he would be but it wasn't but an hour or so and I felt like we were almost right back to where we left off with him 5.5 months ago.  We made sure to play some of his favorite games and toys right off the bat.  It was much easier this time knowing what he really enjoyed doing with us last time and how we could get him out of his shell quickly.  First and of course the most important was feeding him snacks... man does this kid love his snacks!  We of course brought Doritos (don't judge us, Oregon health food crazies we are bonding with our child here!) his ultimate favorite!  Then we quickly moved to bubbles, bouncy balls and our own version of our chase and hide/seek/find game...before no time we were running, playing, smiling and giggling just like before!

Observations from today:
* Although it was hard being away from our girls for so long back in November,  I see now the benefits of being here and bonding with him first then bringing Eva and Adri to meet him.   It was much easier back then to focus on him and much easier this time to get him out of his shell and playing which was easier for the girls.

* He is a much faster runner now.  On our bonding trip we taught him to run and jump.  Well,  I am pretty sure he has been practicing the running part.  

* He has learned the concept of soccer.  We had brought a soccer ball last time but he really didn't understand much about kicking the ball.  Well, today we got out the bouncy ball and at first he was trying to play with it like a soccer ball, it was adorable.

* He still loves snacks, especially Doritos.

* He bonded a little better today with Evaleena than Adrianna.  Adrianna was trying hard and we have explained to her that he probably thinks of her as one of the "little kids" that he is use to stealing his stuff, while he probably views Evaleena has one of the older kids.  The older kids at the creche either, leave the little kids alone or they are helping them out, feeding them, etc...  Adrianna understands (the best a 5 year old can) and his dedicated and eager to try again tomorrow.

* Haiti is still HOT!  Even hotter in May than November (well of course that's true).  I am just glad we didn't have to wait until July! Two "highlights" of our heat so far... 1. Adrianna did not go to sleep until 1am yesterday because she was hot and couldn't sleep.  2. I was dumping water on Evaleena's head in the car on the way back to the guesthouse today because we had no ac in the car and she looked like she was going to pass out from heat stroke.


Well its 11:30pm here in Haiti and I have got to get some sleep!  More tomorrow and possibly some pictures!

Goodbyes are so hard...

We had to say good-bye 😢

Goodbyes are never easy but today was especially hard. The last few days we have felt so close and bonded to R. That has been great but made today even harder.

This morning we decided to forgo going to the store, we decided to just eat fruit snacks, a cliff bar, etc... for lunch.  Traffic also was not bad so we got to the creche at about 9:30am.  That is amazing since it was our last day, we got to spend as much time with him as possible.

R was very calm this morning (like every morning) and just wanted to go up the balcony to eat his morning snack (which we are quite sure most days is his breakfast). After a short time he wanted to play.  He was in a VERY playful mood all day which made our hearts feel good.   Ethan transitioned with him from snack time to play time by teaching him the art of throwing Cherrios and catching them in his mouth.  His nannies will probably hate us for teaching him bad habits, but oh well! LOL!

After eating a snack it was definitely play time, most of the day.  He giggled and giggled all day.  He also started talking to us a bunch today.  By this I mean repeating what we say.  "I love you", "Mommy where are you?" "Daddy where are you?" etc... He has been trying to repeat us for the last few days but he is always so quiet about it and only one word at a time "train" "Eva" "Adri" "mommy" "daddy" "cow", today he really "got after it" as Ethan would say.

R loves being chased.  When we chase him, he laughs so hard he truly looses all muscle control and falls to the ground laughing.  Often times he would be "getting chased" by one of us and literally collapse into one of our arms when even halfway close.  So funny watching him giggle and be barely able to stand or crawl.  We spent a good amount of the morning outside running around the yard, chasing chickens and goats (probably another bad habit we shouldn't have taught him, but oh well, it was our last day and he loved it).  After running around the yard for awhile we heard the gate open (it needs to be oiled so R hears it from just about anywhere), so of course R had to run and see the "machin". This time it happened to be the car we had been waiting for the past couple days... the car that says "IBESR" on the side. IBESR is basically the Haitian version of DHS.  Other than bonding with R this trip we had 2 other "tasks", our embassy appointment that we had on the 21st and an interview with an IBESR social worker.  We have been prepared for this interview and weren't nervous but when the car pulls in, you do get a little knot in your stomach... after all, these people, more or less, decide if when and how your case goes through the final stages of the adoption process. Although we were not nervous about the questions they will ask, we did still want to make a good impression. The social worker was very professional but also laid back at the same time.  He asked questions we had expected (about the first time we met R, how has he changed over the trip, about each other and our marriage, about how our bio children feel about the adoption, etc...).  Our translator was in there too obviously to help translate.  Our translator added in Creole, as well as English to us, that he had never seen R smile before (our translator is at the creche a lot) and that the last week he has seen R smile so much and it is very obvious he likes us.  This started a whole conversation about how many of the children (orphans) just need affection.  If you remember a couple posts ago I mentioned how we have been trying to show R as much affection as possible because we know he has never had that before.  It was a reminder today that all children need is love, affection, and direction to truly change their life.

After the interview we went back up to the balcony for some water and another snack (aka "lunch"). Then we pulled out the bouncy ball... we should have pulled this thing out DAYS ago... he had so much fun chasing the bouncy ball.  His motor skills aren't quite strong enough to really catch the ball so he literally was chasing it. The inside of the building is pretty bare and it is tile flooring, when you get the ball bouncing and rolling, it can go forever.  Next time you see one of us in person you might stumble across one of the cutest videos ever of him chasing the bouncy ball around!

We asked our translator to help us keep the other kids off the balcony about 1:15pm when the older children started to walk back from school. We never like doing that but today was different, at that point we knew we only had 2 more hours before we had to say "goodbye" to R. We have been dreading this day since we started to adoption process. Dreading falling in love with this little boy who is now our son, who we have to leave behind for an unknown about of time. I feel as though it would be easier if I knew how long until we can bring him home.  If I had a definite timeline to look at but unfortunately with Haitian adoptions this is not the case.  Anybody who knows anything about Haitian adoptions knows... it is all over the board.  Timelines can depend on whether your child is an orphan by death, total abandonment (unknown birth parents)  or orphaned due to poverty (IBESR knows who the birth parents are) but even this doesn't always fall into a specific pattern.  Many times the timeline for the remainder of the process depends greatly on where your file falls in a stock of cases being processed.  We just need to pray and trust God keeps R safe until we can come back for him to bring him home and that God has control of the remainder of our process to make it as quick as possible, but in His timing.

When the time came to walk R back downstairs to his nanny, I started to cry the second we started the walk (I don't admit to crying often so you are welcome 😉).  I kept telling myself I was going to be strong and not cry till we got in the car, so R didn't see me cry... but oh well!  Another thing Ethan pointed out was the last 3 or 4 days when we say "can you give me a kiss" he will kiss us on the cheek, every time.  The last 3 days though (today included) he would not when we were leaving for the day.  He wouldn't even look at Ethan when we saying good-bye today.  He gave us hugs, looked really sad (yesterday and today he was crying when we left), but wouldn't give us kisses.  Earlier today our translator tried to explain to R that today was our last day and that we would have to say good-bye for awhile but we would be back someday to visit and/or get him. Earlier today we weren't sure if he understood anything Luwis was telling him (he is only 2.5 years old) but this afternoon, when we saw the look in his face, we knew he at least understood the part that we weren't coming back tomorrow, and it broke our hearts.  I cannot put into words how sad he looked. Even Luwis said "well he understands you aren't coming back".  We just need to pray he knows we WILL AS SOON AS WE CAN!   Today during our interview with the social worker he asked what we thought about the bonding trip.  After explaining our personal experience with it and how much of a change we saw in R over the last couple weeks, we also mentioned that we do think this trip is a great idea but would be better at the end of the process.  We are forced to get to know him in his own environment which is healthy for him and we understand why Haiti wants us to make this trip.  We really do think its a great idea.  We are just really struggling with the idea that children who have already been orphaned and abandoned by their birth parents, bond with their adoptive parents, and then risk that sense of loss and being abandoned again.   Please pray for and keep R in your hearts that he can know and understand that we aren't leaving him for good, that we will be back as soon as we possibly can be for him! With older children this might not be as strong of a concern but at 2.5 years old we just don't think he can understand.

This will be my last blog post for awhile.  As soon as we get our exit letter from IBESR we will update our blog again. You can see the timeline for our adoption under the Timeline tab of our blog if you are interested.   Thank you for all the messages, support, prayers and encouragement you have sent our way during this trip, and our adoption process thus far!